So, for the past five days, the only time I’ve left my condo is for doctor’s visits. Sometime last Wednesday, I started feeling a bit… odd. Sore throat, congested, out of it. Wake up Thursday morning with my right eye crusted over, and a very unpleasant ringing in my ears. The sore throat now feels like my tonsils are the size of, let’s say, fifty quarters both stacked up and fanned out so that swallowing is an awful experience. needless to say, i called out (in? i never know which is right) sick to work and slept till about 11 or so. same thing on Friday, so i went to a doctor S. recommended, which was advantageous since they accepted walk-ins. S. was also nice enough to work from home that day, in case i needed anything. you know, like a ride to the doctor, although her co-worker was also sick so she couldn’t leave to… drive me to the Dr.

So the doctor tells me not to put anything larger than my elbow in my ear, while he’s putting one of those probes in my ear. Apparently I inflamed the ear drum in my right ear by using… Q-tips. yes, cleaning your ears is bad. grr. so i have some sort of unknown virus, and the joy of all joys, Pink eye, aka (say it with me in that Peter Griffin gingivitis voice) CONJUNCTIVITIS. Neither the eye or ear drops seem to do much for me, other than limit me to the couch while they absorb. I don’t like sitting still, so this is difficult, even while i’m catching up on five episodes of 90210 (shut up, just shut up, ok?).

the biggest problem i have is that i can’t sleep because swallowing is so excruciatingly painful that i wake up every time i need to swallow. i’ve tried gargling with salt water, that spray stuff that i can’t remember the name because S. bought generic Rite-Aid variety spray stuff, and even cayenne pepper. nothing helps. the second biggest problem i have is that there’s a constant. ringing. in my ears, like (insert PG gingivitis voice) TINNITUS amplified. on Saturday it included an echo in my left ear, so everything sounds out of tune, and distorted. Sweet.

Sunday morning rolls around and now both my eyes are crusted over. so i go to my old doctor, at one of those urgent care joints. of course, i have to wait the longest i’ve ever had to wait in my almost 10 years going there. the good news is i’ve lost four pounds since I last saw them in August. take that, wii fit. the bad news is i have to take another antibiotic. the worst news is that as of right now, Monday afternoon, nothing’s changed. i still can’t swallow, and i have to skip the high-pitched songs in my collection, which is apparently all of them.

i’m working from home, thankfully, because there’s nothing like being sick and sharing a train and underground tube with hundreds of other people who may or may not be more ill than you.